Church
by insertwickedpennamehere
Summary: I quickly tuned out of Bella's thoughts. I was not going to get a hard-on during church. Absolutely not." --There's a reason why the Cullen's don't go to church anymore, and this is it. T for swearing and slight sexual references.


**Quick Note: Mmmkay, kiddos. This is in no way intended to degrade or make fun of Church/God/Jesus or religion. Just none of that. It's a weird little fic that I created in the midst of a sugar high. That being said…let's get on with the fun. :]. **

**Edward's POV**

"Edward, let's go to church."

_That _was unexpected. "What?" I asked, confused.

"Let's go to church. All of us. You, me, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Jazz, Rose, Em, and obviously Nessie." She paused, and then added, "I suppose Jake can come too."

I'd known Bella for twenty-five years. Not once had she ever mentioned a desire to go to church. Ever. Of course I had no problem going, but I was curious as to what brought this up.

"May I ask why the sudden interest in church?"

She bit her lip, "I don't know... It's just I think it would be a good experience... for all of us." she finished.

I was about to ask her when she wanted to go, when Alice came skipping down the stairs with the biggest smile on her face.

Ah, shit.

"Oh Bella, we're going to have SO much fun at church. What a great idea!" she chirped. I tried to read her mind, to find out what exactly she meant by fun, but she was blocking her vision from me, instead thinking of some very explicit thoughts about her and Jasper. I cringed.

Alice smirked at me. "Okay, so the service is at nine o'clock tomorrow. I'll tell the others." She jumped up and down excitedly. "Oh this is going to be so much fun!"

I sighed. Tomorrow would be interesting.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Nine o'clock came without fail, and here I was sitting on a hard wooden pew. Not exactly my favorite way to spend a Sunday, but Bella wanted this, so I wasn't going to complain

I looked to my right to see Rose, Em, Alice, and Jasper. Rosalie had really pushed the limit on appropriate attire for a religious event. Dressed in a tight black dress that barely covered her bottom, and left little to the imagination on the top, she had a good portion of the males here thinking not so Jesus-approved thoughts.

"Rose, you're making all the men here go crazy," I whispered to her. She smirked in return.

To my left I had Bella, Nessie, Jacob, Carlisle, and Esme.

Esme was delighted with the idea of going to church. She had said it would help us bond as a family. Nessie, on the other hand, not quite so thrilled. I couldn't blame the girl. In her head, she was counting down the minutes till this was over, and she could go hang out with Jacob. I too, would be counting down till this event's end.

9:01

"Please stand and greet those around you," the priest said.

I stood awkwardly and said hello to those in front of me while ignoring the wildly inappropriate thoughts coming from one teenage girl.

Emmett was chatting with an old lady behind him. "So, you come here often?" he asked politely.

"WHAT?" the old lady screamed at him.

"I asked, DO. YOU. COME. HERE. OFTEN?" he said, enunciating each word clearly.

Next to him, Rose rolled her eyes

The little old lady looked at Emmett with a bewildered look on her face. "Do I eat pears in a coffin?" she asked, with a strange look on her face. "No, do you?"

I looked over to see Carlisle stifling a chuckle.

Fifty-nine more minutes.

9:02

They sing songs in church. Fantastic.

9:05

I was definitely regretting sitting in the second row from the front now.

Emmett had decided that he wanted to sing along to the song. So he did. Loudly. And quite off key. I looked up to see the priest staring us down.

_Who the hell are they?_

Did the priest just swear? Priests can't do that, can they?

_Oh my, who's that blond in the tight dress, next to the one singing? DAMN. She's pretty fine._

My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped unintentionally. Oh. My. GOD.

"Rose, put on your sweater. NOW." I hissed.

9:10

"Edward, I'm bored." Bella said.

Ten minutes. It only took ten minutes but she's already bored. This was her idea. We're sticking it out.

9:12

I just glanced over to see Jake practically groping my sweet Nessie. WE'RE IN FREAKING CHURCH. Does anyone have morals these days?

"Jacob, get your hand OFF my daughter, before I cut them off." I growled at him.

9:14

_Edward._ Jacob's internal voice called to me.

_Edward. _

_Edward. _

_Edward. _

"WHAT?" I yelled loudly. Oops. Too loud. Everyone in the building looked at me.

Jacob was shaking with laughter.

9:17

Church was boring; there was no doubt about it. Why was I here again? Oh yeah, Bella. That's why.

9:20

Wow. Bella looks really pretty right now...I just want to touch her.

9:25

I was going to strangle him. I really was. Jasper decided it would be funny to send a wave of lust toward me. Yeah, real hilarious. I ended up having a full on make-out session with Bella... that is until the priest came up to our pew and taped me on the shoulder to tell me that was not appropriate behavior for a church service.

Poor Esme slouched down in her seat. I felt bad, but it wasn't my fault. Stupid Jasper.

9:29

Rose and Emmett just left. They just got up and left, right in the middle of the service, right while the priest was talking. I got a glimpse of Rose's thoughts, and they sure as hell aren't going off to bake cookies.

9:32

"Jacob, I swear to GOD if you so much as glance at Nessie's chest one more time, I will gorge out your eyes."

Nessie gave a satisfied smile, pleased that Jacob was staring at her chest.

Sometimes, I really wished we'd had boy.

9:33

Rose and Emmett just came back. Damn. Those two put the quick in quickie.

9:37

Jasper just sent a wave of giddiness through the church. Now everyone is giggling uncontrollably. What the hell is wrong with my family? I mean, honestly.

9:38

The congregation is back to its solemn self, thanks to a threat by Esme. You go, girl.

9:40.

Twenty more minutes! Then I can do my darling, sexy, wife. Oops, sorry God. That wasn't very appropriate, was it?

9:43

"Jacob, go take a cold shower. You're pissing me off. You too, Edward. You've got enough libido to drive a third world country." Jasper whispered.

9:47

"They're giving away candy!!!" Emmett squealed, noting the priest handing out the white, circular wafers.

"It's not candy, dumbass. It's Jesus." Rosalie retorted

"Jesus candy?"

"No."

"Regardless, I want one." Emmett said, standing up to get in the line.

9:50

Emmett was an idiot.

When the priest got to him, and offered the Body of Christ to him, he replied, "No thanks, I'm allergic. Oh, and you do know that's not actually a body, right? It's just a wafer."

Although, the look on the priests face after that was pretty fantastic.

9:52

_Edward... _Bella's sweet inner voice called over to me. I glanced her way.

_Edward, when this is over, I want you to fuck me so hard..._

I quickly tuned out of Bella's thoughts. I was not going to get a hard on during church. Absolutely not.

9:55

Five minutes. Oh yes, freedom was so near.

10:00

Church is over, and I've got to say it.

Amen.

**Wow. That was easily one of the weirdest things I've ever written. Go ahead and tell me what you thought of it though…I'm curious. **

**Chocolate covered Edwards to anyone who reviews. :]] **


End file.
